Thursday, July 21, 2011

Discouraged

I have been thinking about writing this post for days but this summer has been so busy I just haven't been able to find the time.

The past few weeks have been very discouraging for me. About 5 or 6 weeks ago I went off of my Fibromyalgia medicine. I am thrilled at how great I feel not being on the medicine. My mind is clear and body feels awesome! God is awesome and I am so grateful to feel this way.

Now this all sounds great but this process has not been as easy as it seems. The withdrawal from my Cymbalta lasted several weeks while I weened myself off and then another two weeks after I was completely of the medicine. If you would like to read more about my withdrawal you can click here. Not only did I have horrible withdrawal symptoms but it also caused me to gain 10 pound during three weeks of my withdrawal. As if that's not bad enough I had already gained 20 pounds during approximately the 9 months I was on Cymbalta.

Now I'm sure you can see why I sit here today typing that I am discouraged. I don't even know if the word discouraged can explain all of what I feel. I worked so hard to lose 50 pounds and then to gain 30 pounds back in 9 months just makes me sick. I went from feeling absolutely wonderful last summer to feeling so horrible about myself this summer.

In my mind I know that the cause of most of my weight gain was the Cymbalta. Now of course I know that the medicine didn't make me gain weight but it did mess with my mind and take away all of my happiness and ambitions. I had no motivation for so long. It was a horrible feeling and I think I just ate because I thought it might make me feel better. Logically I know that if I wouldn't have been on the medicine then I probably would not be writing this post but unfortunately it is impossible to change the past.

I need to get past this discouragement and move forward. It's been a lot harder then I thought it would be. I thought that now that I am off the medicine the weight would come off easily. I was completely wrong. It's actually even harder then it was before to lose the weight.

I think a lot of it has to do with my mind accepting what has happened the past 10+ months. My life has completely changed. The 30 pounds I have gained have made me feel absolutely horrible. I am mortified every time I look in the mirror. I still remember what I looked like last year at this time when I had my photo shoot with Woman's World Magazine, when I was on the front page of the newspaper, and on the news. I just want to cry every time I think about what I let happen to my body. It's very depressing when I think about what I accomplished and how happy I was at that time.

This is why I titled this post "Discouragement". I am having such trouble mentally getting past what has happened. I am so discouraged by it that I don't know how to start over. Every time I see myself in the mirror or in pictures I feel so much worse about myself and instead of encouraging me to lose the weight again it discourages me and I lose my motivation.

I think that I need to start over. I need to stop comparing myself to who I was thirty pounds ago. I need to get past the embarrassment. I need to stop feeling like a failure. Only then can I move on and start my weight loss journey again.

The hard part:

How do I do that? I'm really not sure. I guess the first step is acknowledging that this is why I am having a problem with losing weight. Then I need to stop looking at my past and focus on my future. I really feel like this is my biggest problem. I love the past few years and how hard I worked to achieve what I did but part of me thinks that if I could forget it and start fresh it would be so much easier.

I think it is just going to be one step at a time. Once I get past this bump in the road it will be so much easier to move on and start my weight loss journey all over again.

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I am thinking about redesigning my blog. I don't want to erase my past weight loss success on my blog but I do want to show everyone what I am going through right now. I think this means moving my old pictures to the bottom and starting with new ones and also starting my weigh in updates again. I am thinking about erasing all of my previous weigh in (not the posts but the numbers on the sidebar) and starting over again.

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I want to thank all of my wonderful readers for being so supportive of me through all of this. You have really helped me want to keep moving forward and I am so grateful for all of you!

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Please let me know if you have any suggestions on how I can start fresh. Also, what do you think about my idea of changing the look of my blog?


12 comments:

Miss S. said...

Sometimes redesigning our blogs & picking a new starting point is just what we need. You've done it once and you can do it again. Thank you for sharing your entire journey.

Jennie said...

Jessica,

Please dont get discouraged. You have been such a recent inspiration to me. I am up and down with weight all the time due to depression, anxiety, and medications. You give me such hope that I can fight this.

I know that you can do it and I believe in you. We all slip and fall, but remember that is just that old devil trying to steal your joy. Don't let him. You are Blessed and Highly Favored.

❀❀ Dawn (Lay Down My Idols) ❀❀ said...

I found that redoing my blog (I started a new one) gave me a mental boost but it really didn't help with my weight loss. However, right now, you just need to do baby steps - figure out what's important for today, or even this next hour, and do it - and eventually you'll be into another groove and feeling better about yourself. Sometimes we can be the worst at punishing ourselves - I too have lost weight and regained it - and I've been stuck in that 'failure' mentality. The only failure there is is never trying again. Think of this as a bend along the path - think of the lessons learned, and work your way through. ((( hugs )))
Dawn

Beth said...

I've been reading your blog for awhile know and have enough affection and respect for you I'm going to be blunt. The Cymbalta isn't the reason you gained weight. I'm sure it didn't help and I can't imagine what you went through with the withdrawal not to mention the nine months before that. I have not been in that position with a medical condition and/or medication but I am someone who struggles with weight and emotional eating. So it is with great respect and personal experience that I say it seems like you are not taking steps to deal with the *Real* reasons you overeat. Until you take a hard and close look at the emotional component in this you will not lose weight and keep it off.

Again, I am in the same boat you are and I understand how difficult it is. I'm not trying to beat you up, just the opposite, but to encourage you. Even with 30lbs back on the achievement of losing 50lb to begin with was amazing and shows what an incredibly strong person you are. But I really and truly think you need to examine the deep down reasons you eat and were overweight to begin with.

Have you read any of Geneen Roth's books? She writes about compulsive eating and the emotional components behind it. About a year ago I realized I needed to try a new approach and I've slowly been working my way through her books. The Self Compassion Diet by Jean Fain is also great too.

You've come so far. I know you can do this and I look forward to reading about it.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I understand your discouragement. I think a new start will help. Best of luck. I know you can do it.

AngieG2000 said...

So sorry that you are feeling discouraged. We have all been there, too. I lost 40 pounds on Weight Watchers, but gained it all back after my son was born. I just can't seem to get motivated to lose the weight. Please keep writing and let us know how you are doing. You are such an inspiration. You are not alone.
~Angie

BOglesby said...

Wow, I am just seeing your blog for the first time today and I can relate to you in so many ways! When you said that you are having a hard time getting past what has happened and where you were before. I have a 2 year old and 2 month old now and have gained over 50 pounds from pregnancy, and I have dwelled so much on this that I have not allowed myself to move on. I have looked at myself in the mirror and been upset with what I saw over and over. I have taken this to the Lord recently, and really asked that he would give me the will power to change myself for my children and I have lost 24 pounds now. It's a constant reminder everyday that it's a slow change, but it is making us a happier person. I feel that my walk with the Lord and my attitude towards myself and others gets better as the pounds shed. The healther we are, the happier we are... I will keep you in my prayers! I know that the Lord will give you strength to continue on! Reading your blog today has been a great encouragement and reminder of why I am doing this. I look forward to following your journey!

BOglesby said...

I just found your blog today and have been reading and can relate to you in a lot of ways. I know that you are discouraged right now, but reading your blog has been an encouragement so it is sad to see that you have this discouragement. I know that we tend to dwell on the past and "how did we get to this" but we can't allow that to swallow us up. I too look at myself in the mirror at times and think..."how did you do this to yourself", but that is when I start to feel the most pity for myself, and then allow myself to just continue on in that path because that is just "who I am". I know that the Lord is so much bigger than all of this, and He can give us everything that we need to be successful in this if we can use this for His glory and honor. I will be praying for you, and look forward to following along with you on your journey. First, we have to do this for ourselves and our happiness, next for our Lord and Savior who we can do all things through and then for our children who will watch us as they grow up and will see us as role models of who they want to be one day. Praying for you!


"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
Phil 4:13

Genelle said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling discouraged, but I think I can say I feel the same way about my weight loss success and (recent) failures. In 2007 I lost 60 pounds. I went from 205 to 145! I felt awesome! I stayed there (with a few small ups and downs) until I got pregnant in 2008, then put on bed rest for the last half of my pregnancy. I gained 60 pounds! After the baby was born I very easily lost 30 pounds, but it slowly came back and I didn't notice until I was back to 222.8 pounds this past March! The day I finally stepped on the scale and saw that number I was HORRIFIED! I've been dieting ever since and am now down to 194. I still have a LONG way to go to get back to the 145 weight I was so proud to be back in 2007, but I'll get there. A book I'm reading that has been really helpful is Made To Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. It has really helped me to view my eating habits, weight loss and healthy in a new, more God centered way. I highly recommend it! It has been so encouraging during a time when I have felt defeated by my size and lack of self control with food.

You can do it, Jessica! Just keep pushing forward and make good choices one day at a time. You did it before and you can definitely do it again!

Diandra said...

You know you did it once, and you can do it again. Don't think about what was or what might have been.

Anonymous said...

You have the ability to stop at the 30 pound gain...it's not 50 ( which I did, gained back 47 and another 10 for good measure) So the fact that you are getting yourself in check is a good thing. re-designing your blog...writting about your eats, pictures, and menu planning will all help you get back to where you want to be. Maybe you need to re-join a new ww group, or join a gym, find people like you. I hae re-joined WW October 2010...have met some wonderful friends there that keep me motivated...but the determination, that's all mine!

Kristin said...

I can tell you've been discouraged. I think you look great at the weight you are now, but I know you want to be at a healthy weight for yourself.

The better you feel about yourself, the better you'll take care of yourself. Being on those meds that made you "not care" certainly made you stop caring about eating healthy.

I think you on getting on the right track. Look at yourself at your beautiful family God has given to you. Then set a small goal, just like you did before! You can do it!

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